Six weeks into my pregnancy with H I was told I had miscarried. I’ll never forget the exact words of the ultrasound technician, “I’m sorry poppet. There’s nothing there”. I was then told that she estimated I had lost the baby around a week earlier, based on the way my uterus looked.
It’s hard to summarise into words how this made me feel. Gutted. Empty. Heartbroken. A failure. Lost. The list goes on. I can remember apologising to my husband, feeling like I needed to, as after all it was my body that had been carrying our precious baby up until now. This need to apologise carried over to other immediate family that had known I was pregnant, and I felt the need to say the words “I’m sorry” to each of them as I expressed our heartbreak. Looking back, I realise how ridiculous this was. I had absolutely no need to apologise but speaking to friends who have experienced miscarriage it seems to be fairly unanimous that there is a feeling of letting others down. The truth is, in almost all cases, there is nothing a woman could have done differently, but it is so hard not to imagine ‘what if’.
We had been trying to conceive for a little while and due to a fertility condition we were unsure if we could do this naturally. When I got that positive test in January 2016 it was the most amazing moment of my life up to that point. Being told this dream had been shattered was the most gut wrenching feeling I had ever encountered. All my daydreams about motherhood and about our beautiful baby were destroyed and I was left with a void that I knew could never be filled. People tried to comfort me by saying things like “at least you know you can get pregnant now” and whilst it had the best of intentions, it hurt me even more. I didn’t want a future baby, I wanted the baby I had already fallen in love with over the last 6 weeks. The one we had read to, and already started to take weekly bump shots of. Looking back at this made me cringe, thinking about the bump picture I had taken two days earlier and now assuming that I hadn’t even been pregnant when it was taken.
I had this emotion for a week, and I am so blessed to have the outcome I did – that in fact on this occasion our baby was still there and my miscarriage was a misdiagnosis done by an inexperienced technician. Sadly for so many – 1 in 3 – this is not the case and they forever have an empty spot in their family of where that baby should have been. Miscarriage is often brushed under the carpet and not spoken about for fear of making others feel uncomfortable. I am a firm believer that you become a mother to a baby from the moment you learn about that little life growing inside of you, and whilst that bond grows over pregnancy it is still immediate. Miscarriage should be talked about; it affects so many women.
It took me a really long time to relax into pregnancy, I still felt like things were too good to be true. It wasn’t until around my 20 week scan that I let myself fully imagine this baby I was growing would soon be here in my arms. I will blog more on my experience in more detail in a few weeks.
If you’ve experienced a miscarriage of your own, then I am so sorry for your loss. You are an amazing mum, whether to earth babies or angel babies. I would really recommend finding someone to speak to who helps you. This may be a friend or family member, or there are some great support groups online too.
Hang in there mama, you got this.